9 pieces of love advice from sex and relationship experts : NPR

Being in a relationship can be magical — but it can also be hard work. There are conflicts to resolve, tough conversations to be had and tribulations to overcome.

Whether you’ve just started dating or are decades into a marriage, Life Kit’s sex and relationship experts offer surprising and useful advice about love and romance. That includes how to know whether you’ve found “the one,” how to tell your partner you’re not happy with your sex life and what to do if a partner cheats.

These responses have been edited for length and clarity.

A simple sign you’ve found ‘the one’ 

“You want someone who celebrates your successes with you. So if something great happens and your partner is like, ‘let me treat you to dinner,’ that’s a great sign. You just want someone who makes a big deal out of things that are important to you.”

—Mandy Len Catron in the episode “What makes a good partner.” She is the author of the essay collection How to Fall in Love with Anyone and the viral 2015 New York Times article “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This.” 

Why a spark may not mean as much as you think

“[In my book] I debunk three myths around the spark. The first one is that the spark cannot grow. That’s absolutely not true. We have research that shows only 11% of people feel love at first sight.

The second myth is that if you feel the spark, it’s a good thing. Some people are just really sparky. They give everyone the spark. They’re really charming. And maybe they’re really narcissistic. So what you think is emerging between you and this other person is actually something they give off to lots of types of people.

The third thing is that just because you have the spark at the beginning doesn’t mean it’s going to be a viable relationship. Many divorced couples who I’ve interviewed say they had the spark.”

—Logan Ury in the episode “The science of finding a partner.” She is a behavioral scientist, the director of relationship science at the dating app Hinge and the author of How to Not Die Alone.

How to resolve conflict while preserving your relationship

“The masters of relationships, the ones who stay together happily, have a ratio of five times as much positive emotion as negative emotion in a conflict. By just expressing interest in the discussion, nodding their heads, vocalizing, saying ‘tell me more,’ making eye contact — that lubricates the wheels of communication.

Whereas when there’s a standoff, people don’t express any affection. There’s very little humor. They’re stone walls, just standing there as opposed to trying to reach mutual understanding.”

—John Gottman in the episode “How successful couples handle conflict.” He is a relationship researcher and clinical psychologist and the coauthor of Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection. 

How to create intimacy (when you don’t have time for sex)

“It’s important to cultivate and nurture the part of your relationship that makes you more than friends. I’m not opposed to orgasms, but you have to expand and mature your definition of intimacy.

Can you be turned on without having to do anything about it? Can you feel the pleasure of holding hands, cuddling, kissing or making out without it needing to go anywhere?”

 —Aaron Steinberg in the episode “Keeping intimacy alive after having a baby.” He is a couples coach who teaches expecting parents how to “babyproof” their relationships.

Your relationship status has nothing to do with your worth 

“Many people, especially people who are single and trying to find a partner, have this idea that once they meet their person, their happiness will be much greater. That’s actually not how happiness works. Your relationship status has nothing to do with your worth. And we all need to break free of societal stigmas.”

 —Jenny Taitz in the episode “How to enjoy single life.” She’s a clinical psychologist and author of the book How to Be Single and Happy.

Why infidelity can sometimes come with a silver lining 

“If people choose to rebuild their relationship for the right reason, they’re going to end up with a better, healthier relationship than they ever had before. They have a golden opportunity to address things that should have been addressed. The awful part is that the sticker price is steep. It’s the trauma of infidelity. But it is something that people can overcome.”

 —Talal Alsaleem in the episode “What happens after someone cheats.” He is a clinical psychologist and licensed marriage and family counselor who, over nearly two decades, has helped hundreds of couples work through their infidelity. 

How to gently offer constructive criticism about your sex life

“Try the sandwich method of criticism, but with 90% bread and 10% critique. [You might tell your partner,] ‘I love our relationship. I love our erotic connection. I’m going to say something, and I worry it will feel like I’m criticizing you, but I’m just trying to connect with you. Before I say it, can we agree that our relationship is not at stake?’ I know that’s a lot of buffer language, but it’s a tender topic, so that’s how much it takes.”

—Emily Nagoski in the episode “Dear Life Kit: I’m happily married but hate our sex life.” She is a sex educator and the author of Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life.

What to do if you’re curious about dating more than one person

“Just for a moment, imagine that absolutely anything is possible and see what comes up. Just let your mind think about what would be cool, what would be fun and life-affirming about the idea of having meaningful connections with more people in your life. One person doesn’t have to be all the things.”

 —Liz Clark in the episode “A beginner’s guide to non-monogamous relationships.” Clark is a clinical psychologist and director of counseling at The New School.

How to know when it’s time to break up

“If you find you’re at the point that you have such deep resentments — there have been betrayals, dishonesty, ongoing bickering and a lack of conflict resolution that no matter what you do, cannot fix — it’s at that point that you will begin to consider separating.”

 —Susan Winter in the episode “The art of breaking up.” She’s a New York-based relationship expert and author of the book Breakup Triage: The Cure for Heartbreak. 

The digital story was edited by Meghan Keane. The visual editor is Beck Harlan. We’d love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823, or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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