Cate Blanchett Stars in Eli Roth’s Worst Movie

A maddening self-contradiction, “Borderlands” is too messy and too neat, too much and not enough. That’s the consequence of trying to please two audiences at once in a time when entertainment consumers across all mediums are begging for unique points of view.

Gearbox Software’s sprawling video game series may be outright impossible to adapt, but Lionsgate placed its bet well when choosing Eli Roth to direct. In 2018, the typically hyper-violent horror filmmaker teamed up with screenwriter Eric Kripke (“The Boys”) to turn the children’s book “The House with a Clock in Its Walls” into a box office success. Like “Borderlands,” the PG mystery starred Cate Blanchett, Jack Black, a kid hero, and scads of CGI creatures caught up in a fantastical puzzle. The imperfect but spooky world Roth created then was miles away from the extreme gore that made him famous, but not uncharacteristic of his talents. The “Hostel” director demonstrated his knack for navigating serpentine spaces and letting intense performances breathe once again. He embraced genre without copying it and made his retelling feel at least marginally new.

Then, came “Thanksgiving” — a return to form! — and now, “Borderlands” — a mammoth misfire.

The action-adventure’s problems start with an outrageously dense script, co-written by Roth and the still-unidentified pseudonym Joe Crombie. Filmed during the pandemic after years of talent signing on and off the project (“The Last of Us” co-creator Craig Mazin was previously attached, among others), “Borderlands” looks and feels like a studio mismanaging its coveted IP. The irony there is plain bordering on painful when you remember that the through-line to the extensive “Borderlands” narrative is anti-capitalism. We know Roth can brutally lambast the rich (hello again, “Thanksgiving”) and “The House with a Clock in Its Walls” tells us he can work outside his wheelhouse for a younger audience. But “Borderlands” sees him do neither thing well, instead resulting in the definitive worst film of Roth’s career and another strike against AAA games brought to the big screen.

Blanchett stars as Lilith, a hard-as-nails bounty hunter who we catch mid-job boozing it up on the planet Prometha. Within minutes of meeting our red-haired heroine (the wig never falters and that’s something), multiple people are dead but the lethal Lilith is unfazed. It’s that no-nonsense mentality that led the dangerous business tycoon Atlas (Edgar Ramírez) to the fiery contractor’s bar-side. He’ll need both Lilith’s skills and her ruthlessness to rescue his daughter, Tina (Ariana Greenblatt), from the toxic wasteland of the nearby planet Pandora. In a bad stroke of luck, that happens to be Lilith’s home world, which she hasn’t returned to since she was abandoned there by her mother (Haley Bennett) years ago. Burdened with psychological baggage — which the script tries to unpack but not even Blanchett can make you care about — Lilith is reluctant to take the gig until the promise of a massive pay day wins her over. Just get the girl back to daddy? Sounds simple enough.

Ah, ah, ah, not so fast, vault hunter! Kidnapped by a rogue military man named Roland (Kevin Hart), the bunny-obsessed Tina is now lost somewhere in a chaotic landscape crawling with enemies. Legend has it there’s a secret place somewhere on Pandora hiding a valuable cache of ancient technology left behind by an extinct alien race known as the Eridians. Finding this loot box is top priority for most inhabitants of the piss-soaked planet — seriously, there’s a big chase scene through an actual waterfall of piss — and hunting down her mark means Lilith will have to encounter hundreds of these whack-jobs. Shortly after landing, the smart-mouthed protagonist is greeted by an indestructible robot sidekick named Claptrap (voiced by Jack Black), who even as a bottomless pit of dull exposition and half-baked one-liners delivers many of the movie’s better moments. (“Shoot him in the face! Shoot him in the face AGAIN!!” is one of only a few jokes that land.)

Lilith doesn’t believe the vault exists… because of course she doesn’t. But the vault does exist… because of course it does! Assembling your crew is half of the fun in a heist movie, but “Borderlands” wastes no time tossing Lilith, Claptrap, Roland, and the remarkably easy to find Tina in with Krieg (Florian Munteanu) — a reformed bandit still brandishing the white and orange uniform of a Psycho — and Tannis (Jamie Lee Curtis) — a scientist whose dark past overlaps with Lilith’s troubled childhood. Searching for vault keys and a powerful Chosen One essential to using them, the “Borderlands” gang collides with Atlas, his goons (Janina Gavankar appears as General Knoxx), and various deranged treasure hunters when they realize the vault could contain their only means of keeping Tina safe from her CEO father, who is intent on using its contents to make super-weapons.

Group dynamics onscreen can come with a learning curve, a kind of awkward rhythm between characters that takes a while for audiences to sync with. In “Borderlands,” that comfortable vibe of buddies just hanging out never comes — not even in the smaller scenes only featuring its two Oscar winners. Curtis is particularly misplaced, but not a single cast member appears entirely confident in the choices they’re making. Maybe it’s the fumes on Pandora. Maybe it’s big-budget production during a pandemic. Either way, this isn’t “Guardians of the Galaxy” and no amount of needle drops (what’s up, “Supermassive Black Hole”) and vibrant color can overcome the intense awkwardness coating every scene. Even as danger comes at the so-called friends from all sides, “Borderlands” injures itself with tonal indecision and the narrative never connects.

Blanchett is easily the best in the bunch, touting Lilith’s clownishly large sci-fi weapon with ease and managing to look cool even when the script’s brutally bad jokes become dead air. Assessing “Borderlands” against the rest of Blanchett’s filmography, the actor’s physical precision — gunslinging like a pro amid overwhelming, even blurry set pieces — brings to mind her all-timer “Thor: Ragnarok.” Lilith’s quippy retorts evoke something more like an Americanized “Ocean’s 8,” but the entire affair reminds more of “Tár.” Not because Lilith ends up canceled for preying on a concert cellist, but because “Borderlands” is the exact sort of sci-fi nonsense the fictional conductor might be forced to score after being shunned from the world of classical music. Not even the promise of Blanchett opposite “Bound”/”Showgirls” icon Gina Gershon as Pandora nightlife legend Mad Moxxi makes it past the movie’s self-consciousness (although that clumsiness may measure up to Moxxi’s comically big boobs).

Video game loyalists — who should give up that fight way before buying a movie ticket — will notice countless tweaks to the knowingly lewd source material that are sure to piss everyone off. The choice to push for a PG-13 rating here was a mistake, one that not only betrays the gleefully perverse and graphic games but makes the end product just a bit too mature for the kid-kids who might actually enjoy its shallow story. That semi-sanitization suggests Roth was not the right person to make what Lionsgate… or even what he…ultimately wanted. If granted permission to bring his signature sadism to these infamously batshit characters, Roth could have delivered his “Mad Max: Fury Road.” Instead, restricted by standards that seem equally unlikely to please preteens, he was left holding a bomb.

Grade: C-

From Lionsgate, “Borderlands” is in theaters August 9.

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