How To Deal With a Judgy Mother-in-Law on Social Media

Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager, the hosts of TODAY with Hoda and Jenna, are our “Modern Manners for Your Social Dilemmas” etiquette columnists. These two have been dishing out honest, heartfelt advice on air for years (watch them live on weekdays at 10 a.m. ET.). Then check out their advice on a variety of social quandaries—including how to deal with wedding invite debacles—below.

Want their advice on how to handle a sticky social situation? Email them at modernmanners@realsimple.com and they might offer up some sage advice for you in an upcoming issue of REAL SIMPLE.

A Good Friend but Bad Travel Buddy

CHRISSY ASKS: I have a very close friend who I see nearly every day for a walk and spend many dinners and even holidays with. Our families are close, too. As much as I love her, I do not like traveling with her. She’s indecisive about whether to go and, once there, indecisive and passive-aggressive the whole time. Chaos ensues, and nothing is accomplished. I’d like to vacation with other friends and not invite her. Can I do this? If so, how?

JENNA BUSH HAGER: If you want to travel with just one other friend, it’s OK. If you’re planning a group trip without her, that’s hurting somebody’s feelings and not cool. Think about how you would feel if the roles were reversed.

HODA KOTB: I agree. If you pick one other friend, that’s fine. But if it’s two other friends—or more—and you’re leaving her out, that’s harsh.

JBH: Some people travel together well, and some people don’t. If it’s a group thing and you have to invite her, maybe you could all settle on a clear itinerary before you go so there aren’t too many decisions to make once you’re there. Or state your plans and tell her she can come or not. And set a hard deadline for her to RSVP too.

HK : And remember that not everyone has to do every activity on the trip. Set clear expectations, tell her when the car’s leaving, and you’ve done your job! Don’t let her draw you into the drama.

A Judgy Mother-in-Law

ELIZABETH ASKS: Every time I post something on Instagram or Facebook, my mother-in-law calls my husband to tell him about it (he doesn’t have social media). She says judgmental things to him about what our kids and I are doing and leaves comments on each of my pictures! I hate it! Is it bad if I block her from seeing my posts? Help!

HB: I think you need to have a conversation with your husband first, because she’s his mother, and that can be very tricky. See what he thinks of the situation and what he suggests. I’m curious what he says to her when she calls with this info. Does he brush her off? Is he as annoyed as you are? Can he ask her to stand down?

JBH: She’ll probably notice if you block her, and what you’re doing in that case is less communication when I think there should be more. Instead of shutting her down, tell her how you feel. She may not know! And if the comments she leaves are aggressive or inappropriate in any way, you need to ask her to stop.

HK: Definitely check in with your husband first. And yes, try talking to her on your own—before you change your settings! No matter what the specifics of the situation are, getting offline and talking in real life is probably the answer.

The Hairdo Debacle

NATALIE ASKS: Let’s say you have a guest over to enjoy your pool and their blond extensions turn green from the water. Should you offer to pay for the services to fix their hair? No other guest had this reaction to the pool, and there were a lot of bottle blonds in the group!

JBH: I don’t think you need to offer to pay, unless you’re using some wild, unconventional chemicals that caused it. Everyone swims at their own risk. She’s the one who chose to go swimming after a friend (you!) nicely invited her.

HK: I think, if a friend expects you to pay for her new hair extensions, she’s probably not a great friend. If I jumped into someone’s pool and my hair turned a funky color, I wouldn’t ask them to pay. That’d be on me! I feel like you can figure out the nature of your friendships by who’d ask you to pay for something like that. And I wouldn’t pay for it either!

Pushing (Neighborly) Boundaries

DONNA ASKS: We have a new neighbor with large dogs. Our property boundary is lined with bushes, dense bamboo, and plants. They want to put up a fence and asked to talk to us about the design and cost. While it’s a kind gesture to run a design by us, I suspect they’d like us to pay for part of it. Any advice?

HK: I’d say something like “I understand you want a fence. We’re really happy with the bamboo, but you can do what you want!” And if they don’t seem like the types to take the hint, you can add, “That said, we’re not looking to help pay for it.” I’d be clear that you’ve lived there for a long time and you don’t need a fence, but if they need one, you understand.

JBH: I’d leave out that last part unless they actually ask you to contribute. Give them the benefit of the doubt and say, “Thank you for running the design by us.” If we assume good intentions, that’s really nice that they’re being so considerate! Let them see that you appreciate it.