The Best Way to Eat a Burger Isn’t What You Think

There’s only one way to properly eat a hamburger and I will accept the judgment of others for embracing this unpopular opinion. You should always use a knife and fork. I’ve been eating hamburgers all my life. Even as a kid who was a finicky eater, a burger was one of the few foods I would always devour, even though as a 10 year old, it could only have meat and mayonnaise. Then, in my reckless youth, I’d eat it with my hands like a raccoon scarfing down a dumpster donut. I have since learned that using silverware is much more civilized. 

Some hamburgers today are so loaded with toppings they’re practically impossible to eat. Once you add bacon, lettuce, tomato, avocado, red onion, pickles and possibly even another patty, it becomes a tower of tastiness that requires the unhinging of a jaw to allow it to pass our lips. And we’re not even considering the thickness of the bun. An English muffin or ciabatta bread might make it a little more reasonable, but a big, fluffy brioche roll is going to add at least a couple of inches to the height. The first bite is inevitably a disaster with avocado and tomato sliding off the bun and onto the plate, possibly into a pool of ketchup splattering onto your shirt and effectively ruining your meal. Enter the cutlery. 

There is a method to eating burgers with a fork and knife. First you need to have at least a couple of  toothpicks to hold it all together when it’s first sliced into, otherwise it will topple. Slightly press on the top of the burger and then insert the toothpicks to ensure they are going all the way through the layers. Once the toothpicks are in place, cut the burger in half and admire your handiwork. Now you can really see what you have to work with. Biting into a burger sight unseen can lead to one bite that’s all tomato and no avocado and then the next bite is just lettuce. If those toppings aren’t evenly distributed, you never know what you’re gonna get. With silverware, every bite can be exactly what you want it to be. 

Eating a burger this way also reduces the need for multiple napkins. Ketchup, mayonnaise, mustard, and overall burger juices spill out all over the place when you try to cram into your mouth. Wiping your face after every bite, you’re going through paper towels like you own stock in Bounty and when you’re finished eating you need a bath. If you’re in a restaurant, they might grace you with a moist towelette, but you’ll definitely need to go wash your hands after you’re done. With a fork, your face and hands are as clean as they were when you began.

The hamburger is not the only food traditionally eaten with your hands that can benefit from a fork and knife. A quesadilla, a burrito, deep dish pizza, or any pizza that has a crust that can’t support the weight of the toppings are so much better when eaten with silverware. People may judge you or question your choices, but do not let it deter you. I once ate a quesadilla at an Applebee’s with a knife and fork, much to the chagrin of those who were with me, but I proudly followed through on my non-conventional eating style. The food all ends up in the same place, so why not eat in a way that doesn’t mean I have strands of melted cheese hanging from my chin? 

This is the hamburger hill I will die on. There is no in-n-out out for me when I choose how to eat my burger. Eating it with a fork and knife is a job well done and I will smash it every single time. If there is an Earl of Hamburg, I’m sure they would agree with me. The next time you have an outrageously tall burger in front of you, do yourself a favor and try it. Of course, if  it’s just a simple little cheeseburger from McDonalds, well, yeah, eat that one with your hands. I’m not a monster.