A few weeks ago, I sat down to a vegan charcuterie board and truly marveled at how far we’ve come. The cheese was creamy and tangy, spreadable but with weight and texture. It tasted like cheese. There are legitimately impressive leaps being made in the vegan food industry, plant-based options that truly do mimic the “real” thing, for those who want to avoid animal products but miss their tastes and textures. The problem is, they almost all have the absolute worst names I’ve never heard.
I was reminded of this with a press release for Plonts. Plonts! (My spellcheck keeps insisting I want to say “plants,” but no, Plonts.) Plonts is a fermented soy milk-based cheddar, which describes itself as “a new plant-based cheese that stinks.” Plonts will be introducing itself on menus in New York and San Francisco this month, including at S&P Deli and Court Street Grocers in New York, and at Moongate Lounge and Shuggie’s in San Francisco, in case you wanted to try Plonts: The Cheese That Stinks™ for yourself.
The idea of a plant-based cheddar that melts and shreds and tastes just like dairy cheddar sounds fantastic. But Plonts reminded me there’s a growing list of plant-based products that make me feel like I’m gargling leeches every time I say their names. There’s Malk, which I had been under the impression was the vitamin-lacking milk substitute from the Simpsons. Vrimp, a shrimp dupe from Nestle. Klimon, a line of almond-based desserts that is just “no milk” spelled backwards.
Try asking your grocer for THIS PKN, pecan milk, out loud. Or for Doozy Pots plant-based gelato. Simulate is at least a real word, but also sounds too much like the nutrient slurry from The Matrix. And please don’t ask me to order my coffee with Sproud.
There’s murky legal territory around naming plant-based foods. Alternative milks can call themselves milk, but in certain states plant-based meat alternatives can’t use the word “meat” to describe their products. But none of that explains why the product names themselves are so goofy. It makes me long for the comparative abstractness of Boca Burgers.
I do not envy anyone having to name a brand. There is a reason why I haven’t started my own business, aside from not having any ideas or desire and generally being pretty bad at spreadsheets. You can name your brand anything you want, and that comes with a lot of pressure. But any name in the world, and you choose Plonts! And now I have to teach Google Docs that it’s not a mistake! The indignity.
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