What good does it do to hold grudges and how can you let them go so you can have more peace of mind.
If you’re like most people, you can probably think of a business associate, family member or friend who did you wrong ten years ago. I know I can. In these troubling economic and global political times, you could be holding grudges against the current administration for economic instability that has deflated your personal finances. Or closer to home, you’re unfairly treated by a manager, customer or coworker. Perhaps you’re holding a grudge because of workplace favoritism when a coworker gets your promised raise. A colleague talks over you in meetings, or your boss rakes you over the coals for something you didn’t do. Even closer to home a partner or friend stabs you in the back, and you can’t shake the resentment.
Holding Grudges: ‘Gripes Of Wrath’
When you’re treated unjustly, it might seem like clutching resentments is the ticket to satisfying your hunger for revenge because you’re committed to not let the perpetrator off the hook. So you tuck it away inside where it festers, damaging your mental and physical health and well-being–while the perpetrator moves on with life.
Statistics indicate that 69% of people have a lingering gripe of some sort—whether it’s not selected for a desired job, being dumped by your company or a bad customer service experience. After having been wronged or treated poorly, 78% of adults say it’s difficult to let that resentment go, and they hold a grudge for as long as five years, which can be extremely damaging to overall mental health and well-being.
The side effect of holding grudges has been compared to drinking rat poison, waiting for the rat to die, but it harms you, not the rat. There’s an old saying, “Those who anger you, conquer you,” and science has shown that to be true. When long-held resentments fester into a grudge, harming you more than the other person.
Research shows harboring resentment erodes your mental and physical health, consuming your thoughts, keeping the hurt at the center of your daily activities, weighing you down and depleting energy that could be channeled into more positive and creative directions. Grudges can even morph into depression, interfering with job productivity and disconnecting you from coworkers, friends and family.
Four Steps To Heal From Holding Grudges
I spoke with psychotherapist Stephanie Wijkstrom, CEO & Founder of Counseling and Wellness Center of Pittsburgh, who says that holding grudges defeats you from inside out. Wijkstrom explains that past hurts sap away happiness of the present moment, whereas, forgiving can create the peace of mind you need.
1. Let Go of self-righteousness. “Healing from past hurts is an arduous and painstaking process,” Wijkstrom admits. “Human memory, with all of its protectiveness and adaptive evolutionary mechanisms, programs us to cling to our suffering. Self-righteousness shrouds our refusal to let hurt fade from recall. Yet the art of letting go, healing from hurt and letting go of our suffering is always in our best interest.”
2. Wijkstrom also recommends letting go of the notion of closure. “Many people enter the mind trap of remaining in their suffering because they ‘haven’t gotten closure,’” she notes. “The truth is closure is not something that can be provided by any external resource. Closure is the decision that one makes to move on and not allow the situations that happened yesterday to cloud one’s memory or impact one’s well-being today.”
3. Reframe the situation with empathy. “Every villain has their narrative: hurt people, hurt people,” she states. “Yet the more we can grace our life stories’ antagonists with compassion, the more we heal ourselves. There is a cognitive shift that we achieve when we move the needle from furious indignation to something more gentle, like curiosity and compassion.”
A Final Takeaway On Holding Grudges
If you’re holding grudges, your “best revenge” is to forgive that person or company for your own well-being. It’s counterintuitive, but forgiveness neutralizes the agony you feel when holding grudges. When you forgive others for their wrongful acts, you unburden yourself of the agony and avoid the mental and physical ramifications. Forgiveness is an act of self-compassion that frees you from the negative boomerang, bringing you peace of mind and allowing you to move forward in your job and career.
Wijkstrom’s fourth step is to practice forgiveness for your own well-being instead of holding grudges. “Often, we don’t want to forgive someone who hurt us because we don’t think they deserve our forgiveness; we don’t want to do them the favor of being off the hook,” she points out. “We mistake forgiveness as a roadblock to justice, yet it is not. We forgive for our own mental and emotional health; we forgive because it is painful to hold onto our hurt. The focal point of our anger and pain may not even know we are hurt. In this way, hurt only casts a stormy grayscale upon our inner world.”
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