Struggling to control his anger, Tetchy Rishi went full on aggressive-aggressive | John Crace

Almost every politician has their tell. The USP that betrays them. For Rishi Sunak it’s in the terse addition of “right?” to the end of sentences. “My patience is running thin … RIGHT?” “No ifs, no buts … RIGHT?” “There’s a clear contrast between Labour and my government … RIGHT?”

This is the warning sign that the prime minister is yet again struggling to control his anger. The despairing cry of the Sun King who can’t believe that the Fates have yet again chosen to cross his path.

At Monday’s Downing Street press conference on the Rwanda policy we may just have reached peak Tetchy Rishi. Not so much Snippy Rishi as outright Furious Rishi. There was barely a sentence that didn’t end in an accusing “Right?” Not so much passive-aggressive as full on aggressive-aggressive.

You could see it in his eyes. The contempt for journalists who dare to hold him to account. God knows how he feels about the voters who appear to have turned their backs on his party in their millions. He was always meant to be the Chosen One. The man to whom everything came easily. Wealth. Status. He has it all. Shame he can’t command the two things he most craves. Respect and trust.

Rish! bustled into the media centre as if he was about to do the country a major favour. So we’d better be listening as he was only going to say this once. “The Labour peers have been blocking the bill … RIGHT?” he began.

We were only on the first sentence and already we had come to the first untruth. Most of the delays in the passage of the bill had been as a result of failures of government timetabling. But hey, easier to blame Labour than admit many in your party have serious doubts about the legislation. Not least dozens of Tory peers who didn’t bother turning up to the upper chamber because they didn’t want to defend a crap bill. Where was Lord Lebedev when you needed him?

Enough was enough, Sunak continued. The bill was going through today regardless of how long it took. Because Rish! had a plan and the plan was working. The Rwanda bill was the only effective deterrent. So effective that during the press conference the latest figures on small boats crossing the Channel were released. Up 24% on last year.

What further evidence did anyone need of the efficacy of the Rwanda policy? Rish! had always said Rwanda was a safe country. In fact, earlier that day, Andrew Mitchell, his deputy foreign minister – Lord Big Dave was unavailable – had told the Today programme that Kigali was far safer than London and that it was racist to think that sending death squads into the Democratic Republic of the Congo was anything but recreational high jinks. Incidentally, this was the exact opposite of what Mitchell had written for Conservative Home two years ago. He must really want that peerage.

So here was the proof. Rwanda was so safe that more refugees were deliberately coming to the UK precisely so they could get deported to Kigali. A modern day Utopia. In fact, Rwanda was such a paradise that he was even thinking of sending all those people with physical and mental health problems who were too lazy to do the patriotic thing of either die or work – die, preferably – to Rwanda. Because at heart he was all heart.

Here was what really made Sunak so furious. His critics – both on the left, the centre and the even further right – all just dismissed his plan as an unworkable stunt. How very dare they! Performative cruelty to prop up his flatlining polling. But really he was just overwhelmed with compassion for the little people. He wanted the best for them. Just so long as they ended up nowhere near him.

Then we got on to the logistics. Mr Angry now channelled Mr Don’t-Fuck-With-Me. Rish! had commandeered 25 court rooms and 150 judges. Which presumably means the already over-worked legal system will grind to a standstill over the summer. And he had hired 500 goons who were prepared to strong-arm any reluctant refugees on to the aircraft. Best of all he had found an as-yet-unidentified commercial airline that wasn’t bothered about reputational damage or being sued in the international courts that was dim enough to take the deportees to Rwanda.

So it was all systems go. Sort of. Maybe. Obviously the first flights wouldn’t take off for 12 weeks or so – that made a summer election unlikely – and Rish! was prepared to ignore any international court. The only truth that mattered was his truth. He had said that Rwanda was safe and that was an end to it. Hell, the country was so safe that 99% of its population had voted for its president, Paul Kagame. You can’t get much safer than that. Just imagine how safe the UK would be if Sunak could get 99% of the vote.

“You can judge me on this … RIGHT?” he said threateningly. Daring any reporter to contradict him. There wasn’t going to be just one token flight … RIGHT? There were going to be dozens. Hundreds even. RIGHT? YOU GET ME? He wasn’t going to rest until every single one of the 40,000 refugees who have disappeared into the dark economy had been rounded up and harassed out of the country. That’s what success looks like … RIGHT? RIGHT?

Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Sunak was quite selective about who he took questions from. Primarily the more sympathetic media outlets. Certainly not the Guardian. DON’T YOU LOVE YOUR COUNTRY, PIPPA? RIGHT? But even the likes of GB News and TalkTV had their doubts. Hadn’t Rish! already failed? First he had promised to stop the boats. Then he had said the first flights would take off in the spring. Now we were back to late summer at the earliest.

Rish! was horrified. How dare anyone question him? He wasn’t a man who was used to being doubted. Whatever he says is the truth. Even if he contradicts what he said the day before. It was going to work because he believed in it. As did the Rwandan president. There was no man on the planet more committed to the cause of human rights than Kagame. A shoo-in for the next Nobel peace prize. Shared with Sunak, natch.

With his self-beatification complete, Rish! stomped off. To take his anger out on someone else. His dog would do well to make himself scarce.