Encouraging Emotional Intelligence In Your Boss Without Overstepping

Emotional intelligence (EI) gets a lot of buzz, but let’s be real—just because someone’s got the corner office doesn’t mean they’ve mastered it. In fact, Travis Bradberry, co-author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, crunched data from over a million people and found a surprising trend: the higher up someone is in an organization, the lower their EI tends to be. Yes, even CEOs. Why is that? As people rise in rank, their roles get more complex, and they start leaning on cognitive skills, leaving those softer, people-focused abilities behind. Plus, when you’re the boss, folks tend to tell you what they think you want to hear, not what you need to know.

So, what do you do if your boss doesn’t have a strong handle on EI? How do you encourage more empathy, self-awareness, and effective communication from them—without risking your own career? Based on insights from my interviews with top experts, here are a few smart strategies to subtly create a more emotionally intelligent workplace—even if you’re not the one in charge.

Start With Empathy: Understand The Pressures Leaders Face

When I sat down with Daniel Goleman, the man who brought emotional intelligence into the mainstream, he was quick to point out that empathy isn’t just about tuning into other people’s feelings. It’s also about recognizing the pressures they’re under. Leaders are often juggling a million things—high-stakes decisions, constant deadlines, and demands from every direction. With so much on their plate, it’s no surprise they might miss some of the emotional cues around them.

Instead of rushing to criticize them for not addressing team concerns, try a gentler approach. You might say something like, “I know you’re managing a lot right now, but I think discussing some of these team issues could help us all move forward more smoothly.” This acknowledges their stress, while gently guiding them toward a more emotionally aware conversation. Of course, some bosses pride themselves on being tough, but if they’re just caught up in stress, this can be a good way to start shifting the tone.

Practice Labeling Emotions Without Confrontation

Sometimes, the issue isn’t just your boss’s lack of emotional intelligence—it’s also how we interpret their behavior. During my interview with Chris Voss, a former FBI negotiator and author of Never Split the Difference, he shared a technique called “labeling” that I found especially useful. Instead of confronting someone directly, you identify and name the emotion you’re seeing. This can diffuse tension and steer your boss towards empathy without making them defensive.

For example, if your boss seems visibly frustrated during a meeting, you could say, “It looks like this situation is causing some stress. How can we work together to ease it?” By gently labeling the emotion, you’re acknowledging how they feel without passing judgment, which can open the door to a more productive conversation. It’s subtle, but it works.

Encourage Open-Ended Questions At Work

When I talked with Dr. Tasha Eurich, an organizational psychologist, she emphasized that self-awareness is often the missing link in emotional intelligence. According to her research, leaders who ask more open-ended questions about their team’s experiences tend to develop greater self-awareness. Why? Because they get real feedback on how their actions impact others.

If you want to nudge your boss toward more self-awareness, consider suggesting they start meetings with questions like, “How is everyone feeling about the progress we’re making?” or “What can we do differently to improve our workflow?” These questions encourage open dialogue and make it easier for team members to share their thoughts, which can lead to more self-awareness for everyone involved—your boss included.

Know When To Step Back When Communicating: Subtlety Is Key

Sometimes, it’s best to let things breathe. Paul Ekman, whom I interviewed about his work on micro-expressions, talked about the importance of observing rather than pushing. He’s the inspiration behind the TV show Lie to Me, which focused on reading subtle emotional cues. According to him, if someone isn’t ready to be emotionally open, pushing them can backfire. This is especially true when you’re trying to nudge your boss toward better EI.

Recognizing when to step back is just as important as knowing when to speak up. If you notice your boss isn’t responding well to a suggestion, it might be time to drop it and revisit the topic later. Sometimes, giving them space to process feedback on their own terms can lead to better results than forcing a conversation.

Conclusion: Learning From The Subtle Cues

Encouraging emotional intelligence in your boss without overstepping requires a delicate balance. From my conversations with experts, I’ve learned that fostering an environment where EI can thrive doesn’t happen overnight. But small, consistent actions can make a big difference. By modeling empathy, active listening, and thoughtful questioning, you can gently encourage your boss to adopt more emotionally intelligent behaviors, which benefits the entire team.