I put a large part of my heart in the ground today

I was at work this morning and I got a call from my wife who was in tears and inconsolable. She told me that our dog managed to get around her at the door and run out towards a plastic bag in the street. She was struck by a Winnebago and died immediately.

I sped home from work and had to almost immediately transition into "stoic dad" mode for her, all the while feeling completely terrible that it happened to my wife while I was at work. I gathered her favorite blanket, wrapped her in it, dug a hole beneath the tree she always rested under when she over-exerted herself, and placed the lifeless and broken body of my best girl inside.

I had to get all three kids and painstakingly run through it three separate times. Being strong, making sure my kids know that it's okay to feel upset, and making sure they get the 2 on 1 parent treatment so nothing feels watered down. Once everyone had been tended to, I asked for a few minutes alone.

Beneath the oak that she spent so much time under I sat with my girl. I told her how much I loved what she had brought to the house. I talked about how when we first got her from the shelter as a puppy she was super nervous so I spent the first week sleeping on the floor with her so she didn't have to feel alone. I talked about how I always loved how excited she got for food, like every meal was her first in weeks. I talked about how I loved how she would chase butterflies and never lost that puppy-like wonderment. And I talked about how at the end of a long day all I ever needed was her head resting on my leg, staring at me like I was the most important person in the world, happy for nothing else but my pets.

And then I sobbed. And I didn't move from this spot for over an hour.

I'm happy she didn't suffer. I know my life is better having had her in it at all. I know time heals all wounds. But boy is this a really crummy feeling.