Nate Bargatze’s George Washington Dreams Of Making English As Difficult As Possible

Nate Bargatze‘s George Washington is back.

Last season on SNL, the comedian’s portrayal of the Revolutionary War general expressed a deep aversion to the straightforward metric system while envisioning what kind of country he wants to form. One year later, and he is defending all the quirks of the English language and its odd naming customs.

“We will live through the battle ahead because we fight to control our own destiny, to create our own nation, and to do our own thing with the English language,” he said, rallying his troops alongside him in an open vessel.

“I dream that one day, our great nation will have a word for the number ‘twelve.’ We shall call it ‘a dozen,’” he said, prompting one of his men to ask what other numbers shall have their own names.

“None,” he replied flatly.

“We will also have two names for animals–one when they are alive, and a different one when they become food. So cows will be beef, and pigs will be pork,” he explained.

“And chickens, sir?” one soldier asked.

“That one stays,” he replied. And other foods, he added, will be named “whatever we want,” like the hamburger.

“Made of ham, sir?”

“If it only were that simple. A hamburger is made of beef, just as a buffalo wing is made of chicken,” he clarified. “But fear not, men: hot dogs will not be made of dogs.”

Washington then instructs one soldier, who is adamant that the ingredients to a hot dog be known, throw himself overboard, which he does.

Finally, Washington addresses education, explaining that the first year of schooling will be known as kindergarten. And as for the second year? “First grade.”

Bargatze, in his stand-up monologue, touched on education as well.

“I went to community college, and–it’s a big deal. A lot of people probably don’t know this, but community college is like, ‘You’re probably staying in your community,’” he joked.

“I took speech as a class in college,” the Tennessee comedian continued. “I drove there with my friends. They had real classes, and they’d go to like business, math, or something. I don’t even know what a real class is called. I said ‘I’m going to speech. I think I’m a different part of the campus. We stay in the same room and our teachers rotate. How about you guys?’”