Should You Loan Money to Family and Friends? Here’s When It’s OK to Say “No”

Hoda Kotb and Jenna Bush Hager, the hosts of TODAY with Hoda and Jenna, are our “Modern Manners for Your Social Dilemmas” etiquette columnists. These two have been dishing out honest, heartfelt advice on air for years (watch them live on weekdays at 10 a.m. ET.). Then check out their advice on a variety of social quandaries—including friends who don’t repay their loans—below.

Want their advice on how to deal with a sticky social situation? Email them at modernmanners@realsimple.com and they might offer up some sage advice for you in an upcoming issue of REAL SIMPLE.

When Loved Ones Ask for Loans

KRISTEN ASKS: My friend works very hard as a teacher. Her husband has a couple of side jobs that don’t bring in any real income to support their family. Whenever something goes wrong, like a problem with the car, her husband has his hand out asking for help from friends and family. As a result, they owe me money—but I see them going out to dinner and shopping. How do I ask for my $500 back?

HODA KOTB: I wouldn’t ask for the money back, but I also wouldn’t give them any more. In my opinion, when you give someone money, it’s not your job to figure out how they spend it or what they spend it on. 

JENNA BUSH HAGER: I totally agree. You’ve already given, so now you can stop if you feel uncomfortable. 

HK: You’ve given with a big heart, and you can reassess whether you want to keep giving. If you decide you don’t want to and they ask again, simply say you can’t help at this time. You don’t have to give a reason why.

When Friends Don’t Train Their Pets

J. ASKS: Whenever our friends invite us over for dinner, we make an excuse to meet at a restaurant instead. Why? They have two large dogs who are allowed to roam free and are fed scraps from the table. After dinner, the plates are put on the floor for the dogs to lick! The lack of handwashing prior to meal prep is an issue as well. I think they’re starting to wonder why we avoid going to dinner at their home. What should we do?

JBH: I think you’re doing the perfect thing by suggesting another location. Pick a restaurant, or invite them over to your place. You could also say you have a slight allergy to dogs—they don’t have to know that by “allergy,” you mean you’re disgusted!

HK: Yeah, I think the allergy idea is the right answer because they might ask you why you don’t want to come over to their house.

JBH: You don’t need to get into it, but it’s hard to enjoy a meal and watch a dog slurp at the same time.

HK: Also, if they aren’t washing their hands during meal prep, and they’re petting the dogs and their hands are everywhere, then you’re definitely not going to be hungry. And for what it’s worth, I doubt you’re the only ones avoiding their house!

On Using Emojis in Texts

KATHERINE ASKS: I am a Gen X mom, somewhere between your ages. I’m getting the vibe that using emoji in texts is cringey. 😂😭🤔 Thoughts? 

JBH: We love an emoji.

HK: We don’t care what’s cringey. If someone thinks it’s cringey, we don’t care. We’ll use one emoji or 10 emoji. We get to decide, and how they receive it is their problem. I think worrying about how someone is viewing you shouldn’t be your vibe. It’s not our vibe.

JBH: Be yourself. If you are emoji filled, same with us, girl. Go for it! 

When Family Members Post Photos of Your Kids on Social Media

MARY ASKS: We like to keep our children off social media for multiple reasons. Our family members’ intentions are good, but they do not pick up on this. In fact, they post a lot of photos of our kids. We’re stuck because we don’t care that pictures are taken; only the posting bothers us. And it would break their hearts to hear we want them to stop. Any advice?

JBH: I have said to people, “By the way, no posting. It’s best for us if you don’t post,” and every time I’ve said it, my friends have totally understood.

HK: I don’t think it would hurt your family’s feelings if you asked them not to post a picture. They could take the picture and be in the moment, but as for the sharing part of it, just say it’s not your thing.

JBH: Tell them it’s something you’re trying to stay away from because you want to protect your children. The people who love them will want to protect your kids too.

HK: I know it’s hard because grandmas want to brag, so they’re posting for their friends to see. I totally understand that. Maybe if the poster has a private page for their little group, that’s OK. Or maybe they can share pictures to a group chat over text.