Yeah, you read that right, we’re coming out guns blazing with our hottest take of them all. That, of course, is the idea that Kong in these movies is … kind of the worst? This empirical fact dates back to 2017’s “Kong: Skull Island” which, regardless of how you feel about that film, tacitly admitted that Kong’s traditional design needed a super-sized cheat code simply to compete with our favorite radioactive reptile down the line. It’d be like writers deciding that Batman needed to have superpowers to even the playing field against Superman or, for a more relatable example, a family bowling outing where your parents ask to put the bumpers up and spare your youngest sibling from endless gutter balls. Quite frankly, it can’t help but feel a little embarrassing for everyone involved.
But the shameless handicaps didn’t stop there. “Godzilla vs Kong” spent its entire first act hiding Kong on Skull Island because even his human cheerleaders knew that Godzilla would rip Kong to shreds the second he left. The two major set pieces in the movie didn’t exactly do much to dispel that notion, either, with Kong resorting to playing dead in order to spare himself from further humiliation during their first brawl. And although one character claimed that the “second round goes to Kong,” respectfully, it’s clear Godzilla let him off easy there, too.
“Godzilla x Kong” takes things to an all-time low for the great ape, however. Not only does he need his fancy little axe and that Thanos-style gauntlet to fend off rivals, but he’s almost taken completely out of the action by … a toothache and frostbite, of all things. Imagine having everything weighted in your favor, but still struggling to come out on top. I’m sorry, but Kong ain’t my king.
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