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You can’t swing a dead cat in the personal development space and not hear someone tell you to “fake it till you make it.” (Sorry, not sorry, but I love that expression.)
I know that acting as if you already possess the qualities or mindset you desire will eventually help you embody them works. This approach can effectively build confidence and help you to take action in areas you might otherwise avoid. No arguments there.
The lessons you learn while failing (faking it) certainly can help you succeed (make it) down the road.
We preach this to every agent new to calling prospects or meeting clients at open houses. It is effective where it is effective.
But it will never work in the realm of being grateful.
You cannot say enough positive affirmations about those areas of life for which you currently don’t experience gratitude to leave you feeling grateful.
In fact, faking it and layering positive slogans on top of situations you hate make you feel worse. You wind up feeling more guilty or more of a fraud, which aids in a rapid decline of enthusiasm and experience of joy.
Just stop doing this immediately.
The illusion of forced positivity
The biggest issue with “faking it till you make it” in gratitude and affirmations is that it promotes a superficial approach to profound emotional states.
Repeating positive affirmations or attempting to force yourself to feel grateful without genuinely addressing your underlying emotions can lead to a hollow sense of well-being.
Certainly, every parent of siblings has gone through the phase of “Say you’re sorry to your sister.” Has that ever produced an iota of genuine remorse? It never did with my kids.
Using affirmations to cultivate feelings of happiness and gratitude is popular enough. The “affirmation card/gratitude journal” industry will hate my saying this, but repeatedly telling yourself positive statements like “I am happy” or “I am grateful for everything in my life” doesn’t produce what you want them to.
If these affirmations do not resonate with your genuine emotions, they create a dissonance you experience as inauthenticity, frustration, and resignation.
It’s essential to ensure that affirmations are rooted in your authentic feelings to avoid generating discord within yourself.
The importance of authenticity
Authenticity is crucial for genuine emotional transformation.
The Satisfaction with Life Scale (SWLS) and the Scale of Positive and Negative Experience (SPANE) are tools used to measure well-being and emotional states. Research using these scales has shown that authentic positive emotions significantly impact overall well-being more than forced positivity.
SPANE, in particular, assesses both positive and negative experiences, recognizing that a full spectrum of emotions contributes to a genuine and fulfilling life.
This research highlights that embracing all emotions, including those we might label as negative, is essential for true well-being.
In other words, acknowledging what you are not grateful for can be just as important as recognizing your blessings.
The misconception of constant positivity
The “gratitude industry” often perpetuates the misconception that we should always be grateful regardless of circumstances.
Every industry conference has some keynote speaker who either says this outright or has such an inspirational story that we can’t help but hear the message.
This unhealthy pressure to maintain a façade of positivity, even when we are struggling, diminishes the authenticity of our emotions and stunts our ability to process and move through difficult experiences.
Last year was brutal for many of us in real estate. Stop talking to me about how grateful I should feel.
It is essential to understand that “should” carries a heavy burden. Anytime we feel we “should” be grateful, we enter a world of comparison, judgment, and potential guilt.
This external standard can create a sense of inadequacy as we measure ourselves against an arbitrary benchmark that often doesn’t align with our personal experiences or feelings. Watching what passes for reality on the social media circuit only adds to the impact of this kind of comparison.
The power of acknowledging negative emotions
True gratitude arises naturally from a place of acceptance and appreciation, not from a sense of obligation.
Mindfulness practices are one simple, reliable access to notice and give space to emotions and feelings that might otherwise be deemed “negative.”
This practice (and it does take practice) of allowing ourselves to be upset when we are upset, disappointed when we are disappointed, and afraid when we are afraid is necessary if we wish to live with power.
Brené Brown, a renowned researcher on vulnerability and shame, emphasizes the importance of authenticity and self-compassion. She argues that suppressing negative emotions in favor of forced positivity leads to guilt.
Instead, she advocates embracing all emotions as part of the human experience.
Mel Robbins also touches on this concept by saying, “When you stop trying to control your feelings and instead allow them to be, you gain access to a deeper sense of confidence and clarity. You stop living in reaction to ‘should’ and start living with a sense of purpose.”
Gratitude, when genuine, can transform our experiences.
But for it to be authentic, it must arise naturally. This means allowing ourselves to feel whatever we are feeling without judgment.
It is about recognizing and appreciating what is genuinely meaningful to us without the imposition of “should.”
The role of mindfulness
By consistently practicing mindfulness, we can notice our present experiences without judgment. This skill allows us to move from being upset to having an upset, from being angry to having anger.
This subtle shift in perspective can be life-changing, enabling us to engage with our emotions more healthily and compassionately.
Practical steps to authentic gratitude
To cultivate authentic gratitude, we must start with where we are, even if that means acknowledging what we are not grateful for.
This might seem counterintuitive, but it is crucial in allowing gratitude to flow naturally. Here are some practical steps to help you on this journey:
- Acknowledge negative emotions: Begin by acknowledging what you are not grateful for. This doesn’t mean wallowing in negativity but recognizing and naming the things causing distress.
- Practice mindfulness: Spend 10-15 minutes daily practicing mindfulness. Focus on observing your thoughts and feelings without judgment.
- Balance positive and negative: Aim for a balance when reflecting on your experiences. For example, if you list two things you are grateful for, acknowledge one thing you are not thankful for. This creates space for a more honest and complete emotional experience.
- Be gentle with yourself: Remember, there is no “right” way to feel. Be kind and compassionate with yourself as you navigate your emotions. Authentic gratitude will arise naturally when you create the space for it.
The benefits of authentic gratitude
Authentic gratitude, as opposed to forced positivity, has numerous benefits for our well-being. Research using SPANE and other emotional studies has shown that genuine positive emotions significantly impact our happiness and satisfaction with life.
When we allow ourselves to feel and express a full range of emotions, we can better process and integrate our experiences, leading to a more balanced and resilient emotional state.
How to have a resilient mindset
In today’s crazy market conditions, every coach talks about having a resilient mindset but doesn’t tell you how. This is how.
Authentic gratitude enhances our relationships, fostering genuine appreciation and connection with others. It also improves our mental health by reducing guilt and inadequacy,
“Faking it till you make it” might work for building confidence or taking action, but it falls short in the realm of gratitude and affirmations.
Authenticity is critical to genuine emotional transformation. By acknowledging our emotions, including the negative ones, we create the space for genuine gratitude to arise naturally.
We can cultivate a more honest and fulfilling emotional landscape through mindfulness practices while being gentle and compassionate with ourselves.
Authentic gratitude, rooted in genuine awareness and appreciation, offers profound benefits for our well-being and relationships.
Aaron Hendon is a managing broker, speaker, trainer and coach. Connect with Aaron on Instagram and LinkedIn.
